Escapril 2021

 

Ego 

It was hard to cut through that thick layer of pride in your chest to break your heart.

I popped the growing bubble of your ego before it burst on my face.

You thought you were smarter than me, but you forgot that this “little girl” 

has a lot of things going on in her mind.

You wanted to use me and that made me sick, but you didn’t know 

I was never scared of you

The exact middle

Coraline vuole il mare ma ha paura dell’acqua 
E forse il mare è dentro di lei

She’s standing in the exact middle.

The point where the tears don’t flow anymore.

The coordinate where you can’t see anything but a deep dark blue.

And she wants the sea, but she’s scared of it.

She’s standing in the exact middle.

The point where she can’t fight anymore.

And it feels like Earth, and Heaven, and Hell when she breathes.

She was scared of the sea, but the sea is inside her

Empty except for …

The page is empty but my mind is full. 

Sometimes my words get stuck

and they spill all over the place like tears, bitten nails and blood.

And sometimes giving up sounds like the right plan. 

But when I have breathed and I come back, the page and the pen are still there,

waiting for me.

Reminding me I’ll always come back.

I always come back to love my words, the pretty and the ugly.

Ghost

There are a things I want to tell you,

weighing my throat like rocks and bringing me down.

There are things I want to tell you, 

but the ghost below my bed tells me not to,

and the voice inside my head hesitates when you're around.

There are things I need to tell you,

please wait until I can get them out.

Please stay around. 

Here's what I remember: 

I remember trains and small trees. 

I remember the sea and the sun burning my skin.

I remember the smell of coffee in the air and your tight hug. 

I remember her perfume and her voice. 

I remember purple flowers and your eyes shining and your face reddening. 

Sometimes I wish I didn’t miss so much, but that means I still remember. 

(L)on(e)ly

 

I hope you’re lonely, hope you’re lost ‘cause I’ve been

I hope I hurt you like you hurt me. 

And I hope your tears burn just as bad. 

I wish you had cried yourself to sleep all these months.

And I wish your chest is just as sore. 

I hope you still dream of me. 

And wonder why you still have to remember  my voice. 

I hope you’re lonely and helpless.

And I hope you miss me, and I’m not the only one. 

Naked

Your smell got stuck in me.

I can’t help but crave more of your lips and your touch. 

Your strong hands grabbing my waist pulling me close.

Make me see blurry lights above, 

grab my thighs and make my legs tremble. 

You’ve seen my naked body and my naked soul.

And nobody had ever made me feel this adored.

You could break this little heart whenever you want, 

but please be gentle like when you kiss my neck.

Be kind like the caresses you leave on my face.

Be quiet like the sighs you let out in my ear.

Tessellation

She’s the little girl that walks avoiding the lines in every tessellated floor.

She watches the sky at night and wonders how the stars glow,

and why the moon follows her around.

She asks herself why the adults cry if they are big, 

and shouldn’t be scared of anything.

But she is the one that doesn’t fear anything, 

letting everyone inside her little heart.

Paradox 

Arthur was right about the porcupines

I want to get close

But the closer I get

The more your sharp edges cut 

The more my thorns sting

And the more our scars bleed

I still wonder if love isn’t really supposed to hurt

I’ll be here

Close enough for you to feel me and share the warmth

But far enough to not hurt

Not anymore.

I'm worried about her

I'm worried about her

And that big gray cloud above her head 

The storm that follows her around 

Ruins every sunny day she has 

There's lighting in her eyes

Her body limbs are cold 

And she wants the thunder in her mind to stop 

Eureka!

It appeared in front of me 

Just when I had stopped searching for it

When I had stopped crying and complaining

It stood there crystal clear

Like serendipity and golden strings

Like an epiphany shaking my ground

I found it 

When I was supposed to 

Comfortable

You make me feel comfortable 

Like I hadn't felt in a while

When you tell me I'm pretty and I can finally believe it

You make me feel safe

When I lay in your chest to listen to your heartbeat

And I know you're real and not just a dream

After the afterlife

Let go of my hand now, it’s time to go

But don’t worry, love 

I’ll find you after the afterlife 

And I’ll hold you in my arms, look you in the eye 

And our souls will know it’s us, once again

Wishbone

At 11:11 I ask for you to be okay 

When I blow a dandelion I wish I never lose you 

When an eyelash falls, I wish I can see you soon

And to the wishbone I ask that you never feel 

like you’re not enough 

You’ve got all my thoughts and my shooting stars 

Planes/Trains/Automobiles

I heard the train passing by in front of the house like almost every day 

and I ran from Grandpa's house barefoot in the dirt  

just to wave goodbye at the people above 

I still remember their faces lighting up a little 

shouting goodbye at me, and that made me happy 

Mom said they were searching for something better

A better life 

And I really hope they found it

I really hope they are okay 

Bird of paradise 

I saw Paradise in the brown of your eyes

I came here to sin, so your tongue on mine is the only Heaven I'll find 

You're like a bird, I learnt freedom from you

A phoenix burning herself to ash 

And some say it's wrong, but it feels so right 

To touch you and burn

There's no other place that I would rather be 

Than in the cage of your chest

Drowned on your belly 

Running my hands through the length of your neck

Power

You have the power to break me down and build me up again 

To make me bleed and cure the wounds 

You make me cry and smile and you make me want to live 

But also kind of die 

When I feel like you don't love me anymore 

And I hate you for doing this to me

Nightmare 

The monster that hid in the dark escaped 

And its screeching made my ears bleed 

I couldn't scream or run 

Because it couldn't see but it could hear

And I couldn't move because it could feel 

But I was too scared to stay

And it slit my throat open 

Loving the fear in my blood

Mirror

Is the first time in years 

I can see my reflection and not hate what I see 

I don’t hate the scars and hair and moles 

I don’t hate my skin or my feet or my crooked teeth 

And I feel sorry for that little me 

That wished she could rip pieces of flesh away 

Just to be pretty to them

Stranger than fiction

I guess this is how it is in real life 

But it was better in my daydreams 

And it was better in the pages in my bookshelf 

But here there's no omnipresent narrator telling me how you feel 

Or how I feel or what to do 

I don't know what will happen 

And I can't skip paragraphs and pages

Just to know everything will be okay 

Glitch

The path before me is glitching

And I'm losing sight of you

I hear your voice fading away 

Please come back

You said you wouldn't leave my side

Don't disappear 

Without you the game is over 

In the distance, a small shape 

I see you in the distance, a small shape walking to me down the road 

Ready to lift me up and make me forget the painful scrapes on my knees 

And you hug me and you tell me pain won't last long 

But that day I fell, and I didn't see you down the road 

And you didn't come to pick me up and I still haven't forgot the tears in my heart 

You promised pain doesn't last long but this still hurts

Clock

Tengo miedo que el tiempo venga y me coma 

The ticking clock gives me headaches

I'm scared of time

And how fast it passes and I'm still afraid to live

Afraid of darkness, of blood, of silence, of crossing the street 

Afraid of being alone, of being in a crowd, of losing words, of death

And maybe I will never not be afraid 

That makes it even worse

Crossroads

When I saw you for the first time I thought we were two parallel lines

That’d you’d never stop and look at me with your storm eyes 

When I saw you I didn’t imagine our paths would cross like this 

Suddenly and bumpy but at the right time for me to want you to stay 

To not separate ever again

Pareidolia 

The dragon in my wall is flying around 

Spitting fire 

Lighting up tree branches

And the empty white wall doesn’t look so scary 

with him around 

Roaring and making me feel less alone  

Nothing more beautiful

He turns around, looking at him 

His gaze lost in the clouds and stars 

Muttering his dreams and thoughts 

And he knows he won't find anything more beautiful than that 

That freedom and bravery he only felt next to the boy with the rainbow soul 

Ink

I’m wide awake 

Tracing my fingers down the bedclothes 

like I once did connecting the dots on your arms 

I’m wide awake 

Remembering once I had you 

and now I just have our memories in ink 

and your image in stained pencil

Extreme dissonance

She’s the note that ruins the harmony 

The color that doesn’t match their palette of greys

The first thing that catches the eye when you look around

The fire that burns brighter in the night 

And she wished she could be invisible or disappear 

But she's everything I can look at 

Goodbye

I'm sorry for leaving 

But your touch hurt more than what I was willing to take when I said I loved you 

I'm sorry for not saying goodbye

But I didn't want to see your face again

And I didn't want to cry again 

I didn't want you to beg me to stay

And I'm sorry I lied

Because I'm not sorry at all 

For finally loving me first

Even now, after everything?

Even now, after seeing your eyes turning grey 

and that deep blue with no end of your sadness 

After watching the green flames of your anger 

and letting it burn my hands 

Even now, after learning to forgive and being forgiven 

and holding you close again

I want to stay right here 

Until the universe is just pitch black